Today is one of those days where it seems like everything changes. For the past couple of months, I have felt like I am in a fog, feeling a little guilty for participating in happy things, because of those suffering in my life. The Lord has been so sweet to remind me that it is His pleasure to carry the burden, instead of me doing it alone.
Specifically today was really hard to wake up to, knowing that by the end of it, I would have placed my mother in the last place she would live under hospice care in a nursing facility. I think we have discussed in the previous blog about my weak stomach, and nursing homes rank about #1 on that list. But once again the Lord provides, because yesterday sweet Heather swept in to be the functioning organizational side of my brain and we called about a million people (who probably thought at first I was a man since I have this awesome constant cough and deep voice right now) and we visited a beautiful (yes I actually said that), clean, facility complete with a caring staff. And mother was brought there tonight. Not only is this provision for my mother's physical care, but even in her confusion and worn out state tonight after being transported there in ambulance-like fashion, she noticed and commented to me immediately about how beautiful it was, and thanked me. And I thanked the Lord for this tiny miracle in my day. She was afraid of where she was going, and the Lord allowed her to be put at ease in a moment of clarity.
This facility is close to my home and I am amazed at how God can provide for even what seems like a selfish need of mine (to have to NOT go somewhere that smells terrible and looks creepy). The words "exceedingly, abundantly, above all that we could ask or think" come to mind (Ephesians 3:20)
Over the past two months I have at times felt panicked about the decisions I have had to make so quickly--and the weight of them. And again the Lord has said "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you." (Isaiah 43:2) And I am clinging to that because He is faithful. He has a track record of faithfulness thousands of miles long when I look back over my life. He is so good to remind me of what He has overcome/accomplished in my life so I can trust with Him with today.
Presently I have a terrible case of bronchitis, my son (who has terrible asthma) is recovering from swine flu, and now my bathtub (yes in the new bathroom) is not working, I can't see one of our chairs for the laundry that is covering it, and people I love are sick. I am a walking nightmare to a hospital right now and just knew I would be asked to wear a mask (which probably would have made me pass out, because I cannot stand to have stuff close to my face like that). HOWEVER, all that will pass (except maybe the laundry/chair). I received enough grace for today from the Lord. I think I will never be able to wrap my mind around all God has done for me on a daily basis these last 2 months, the amazing godly people He placed in my path at just the right time, and a church family and Life Group that seem to never tire of caring for us in our times of need. I am humbled that God would care to meet every single need.
For the meals, encouragement, notes of scripture, carpool angels, prayers, errand running, babysitting, organizing of files, calling me to make sure I am eating (which I forget to do when I am stressed), those who drag me out of the house to escape and see a movie, super cool Alan Jackson cd, and real friends who don't mind "ugly crying" and venting...I am grateful for you. Because when you ask me how I am , I know I don't have to say "fine". Thank you for not hiding when you see me coming (thinking oh my gosh what NOW). Thank you for actually picking up the phone when you see me on caller id (cause I am calling you for the third time to pick up my kids). You are the hands and feet of Christ in my life. You have shown my children what the body of Christ should look like. I don't care for the circumstances I am walking through today, but I thank God for His people to relieve so many burdens.
God has chosen to show His goodness even through this time of pain, because He is kind enough to reveal Himself and His character to me. And I will "draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and FIND GRACE to help in time of need." (Hebrews 4:16)